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Well, after weeks of confusion, depression, pain, and sorrow life just took another plummet. Izzy and I just got done talking about us. I've tried as hard as I could to salvage whatever I could of our relationship and keep us together. I could no longer take this and have recently backed down to see what happens. So we talked and I offered up the idea of becoming "friends" and see if we end up back together. She didn't even hesitate to accept. Makes me wonder if somethign has been going on. After this relationship, I've become even more isecure than I've ever been in my life. I only hope I will be able to recoup in time and be happy for the remaining year of my education. If fact, I may just delay my graduation by another semester now and not stress over my classes so much. Take a little time out and enjoy life a little. Make more friends. Hang out and do stuff. I just hope I can one day fine "the one just for me". It seems like a dream or fantasy that is right there, yet it is never able to be reached. So, I've had 3 years with someone who I loved very much and still love, but I guess fact always conquers emotion and we're now apart. What do I do? Where do I start? Shit, it's been a long time since I had to make friends. I guess I'll just stray towards a different path and take whatever is coming. Till my path leads me back here, I'm outtie! -Josh Emotional Output:  disappointed
Boombox Presents: Crystal Method - Trip Like I Do
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After much waiting, many severed nerves, and several headaches later, I will soon know which path my future will take. I told Izzy that she had until tonight midnight to make her decision. I feel that if you need more than 3 days to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you've already promised yourself to, then you obviously don't want to be with that person. What will happen from here? Well, there are 2 possible outcomes. 1) She will accept If Izzy accepts, then life goes on and we continue to have our discussions and figure life out. Make a plan for what we want together in the future. 2) She declines Not so easy. If this happens, I will likely drop out of school, fly up to NY, and start working. There would be no point in staying in school down here if I could start making big bucks up north. Some may see this as running away, but I would be unable to see here 4+ times a week knowing that we spent the past 3 years together and will now have nothing to show for it. If I stay in FL, I'm guaranteed to have my final mental breakdown after this, so I'd have to be outta here. I generally hate having things so black&white, cut&dry, but I don't want to waste my time in a relationship that is going nowhere. I've already spent 3 years with someone who I love very much. 3 years that I could have been doing anything else and I sacraficed them to be with this one person and try to make them happy. If she can't commit now, then it was all time simply tossed out the door and left on the sidewalk. I guess tonight will tell. I really hope I don't have to wait until midnight. The longer it takes, the greater the gap of uncertainty becomes. Emotional Output:  distressed
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Well, after 1 1/2 weeks of very careful planning, I popped the question to my girlfriend and she accepted! For now... Unfortunately with Hurricanes Frances and Jeanne, both of us have been sent into a downward spiral with issues on both sides. I do not wish to go into details about our issues here, but basically she feels lonely and I feel as if she's been pushing me away. It's not exactly a setting for an engagement, but the way I see it, it could only bring us closer and show that I'm trying to do my part to make things better between us as long as she's willing to do her part. So here's how it happened, less some details: Met @ 6:30pm in San Genaro's I reserved the table that Izzy always talked about by the window We ordered appetizers and dinner. Out came the cake and a bottle of champagne!!! (this is when Izzy noticed something was going on besides a birthday wish) I gave Izzy her Bday card and got down on a knee and said "Izzy B, Will you marry me?" I slid the ring on her finger and didn't get a rejection or opposition :) Izzy was in shock...Never heard her truly speechless before We returned to her apartment and had quite a talk. A lot of unknows were brought about. The one thing that made me truly concerned is when Izzy asked me if she didn't want to keep the ring if I would ever talk to her again. I guess everyone has to do what is best for them. Either way, I will respect her judgement and hopefully soon I will know if we are "fiancees" or "just friends". I received a lot of mixed signals as Izzy at one point got close to me, but then when Mysti and Jonathan came back from the beach, she left my side to be near Jonathan. Our kiss goodnight was also a bit of a concern as it felt like a kiss between friends and not intimate partners. Perhaps I'm looking too far into things. I'm sure whatever outcome happens, it will be for the best. Signing out for now -Josh a.k.a. PikaDemon Emotional Output:  indescribable
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Your Penis Name is: Godzilla
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Your Porn Star Name is: Larry Loverod
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Your Star Wars Masturbation Method Is:
Grooming the Wookie
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Well, I picked dad up at the airport. His flight was supposed to be in @ 12:00pm. I arrived at 12:01pm. I circled the airport for 10 minutes waiting for him. On the presumption that his flight was late, I went to get gas. I returned to the airport at 12:24pm. Fourteen minutes. The first thing he says to me is "I've been waiting here for a half-hour." My response "I arrived at 12:01 and circled for 10 minutes. When you weren't here, and I didn't hear from you, I presumed your flight was late and went to get gas." He tried to continue arguing so he would have the last word. I firmly stated that he waited no more than 15 minutes and ended it right there. Before entering the car, he asked me where mom and shayna are. The idea was to be alone with him so we could discuss what has been going on.
So while we're in the car. I tried some small talk in hopes of getting a conversation started. So how was your flight? He responded with an ok...then grabbed my cell phone and proceeded to make calls to people up north, mom, grandma, and others. He continued to occupy himself with calls until the ride home was over. I was partially in tears during the ride because of this and simply put on my sunglasses.
So we get home. Right away he goes over to shayna and plays with her talking all nice and sweet to her. The talks to mom in a pleasant tone. Why was I left out of the kindness? I was ignored. Dad walks into my bedroom which is no longer that, just a bed. The bed is so long it takes up just about all of the room. He complains that its crooked, fixes it and talks about how nice it looks. My opinion: ITS REPULSIVE! It's a dark wood sleigh bed with a dark dresser in a normally dark room. It's depressing and uncomfortable. I tried to lay in it and was so uncomfortable I ended up sleeping on the floor in my office. So I guess I no longer have a bedroom. Only an office which to work and sleep. I only have a year left in this cold darm house. Couldn't they let me keep the little bit of happiness I asked for until it was time for me to leave? Are they so over anxious to get rid of me that they are willing to risk my never speaking to them again once I'm out? I can assure everyone, if this attitude of theirs continues, my children will only have one set of grandparents. My parents will be completely out of MY family loop.
I need help. I need to get out of here. I don't think I can handle this crap any longer. My back aches, I've gained my weight back, I get regilar migranes, I'm falling apart. I have nowhere to turn. If my self appointed mother were out of the picture, I'm pretty sure things would be different. Ohwell....one could only wish something horrible upon her, but it's the nasty evil ppl who end up living the longer healthier lives.
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If you want my honest opinion, I think most of the american ways are a bunch of bullshit. I'm not anti-american, but I strongly feel that this country has done more to try and oppress its people and create bumbling idiots out of its population. Many of the laws that are created are only there to create jobs for blood thirsty attourneys. Our system of checks and balances often kills the good laws, but somehow manages to allow the crappy laws through. Our voting system has had the highest failure/error rate of any democratic country. Our party system is is extremist. Chose, left or right... otherwise if you're in the middle or independant no one cares about your vote. These election boards who are supposed to "guess" who you intended to vote for??? The Electoral College...A safeguard for the people...It's only made up of Democrats and Republicans...not much of a safeguard...or an encouragement to get a true politician in office. The people's vote doesn't count. There is no encouragement to vote. Police oppression is at an all time high in most states. Have any of you been to England? France? Spain? Italy? Germany? Their laws may be different, their languages may be different, but their freedom is also different. Some of those countries don't have as much economic freedom, but they do have more personal freedom. I can definately vouch for the fact that the dollar has defiled this country. How about hunger? We feed every country but our own...We have starving people, but the government send them a check to get food...Having worked in a grocery store, I saw what people buy with their checks. All sorts of junk food on the welfare check and then a whole bunch of alcohol and non-essential goods with cash, a lot of cash. I would guestimate that after buying junk food with the welfare check, the alcohol and non-essential good totalled an average of $60-100 per customer. Go figgure. How about poverty? Our poverty level is an income of 17k or less per year. That Seventeen Thousand Dollars! Most countries poverty level is $500 a year OR LESS! People who make $17k a year or less (unless they're a fulltime student or disables) is nothing more than a lazyass motherfucker dragging government fund to increase our taxes. Welfare is a joke and needs to be cut or ENFORCED. The problem lies here. WHO is responsible for the change? WHO can do it? The answer is behind your nose. YES YOU! Todays youth are the only ones who can change our downhill future! Adults don't want to hear us. I'm 23 and people still treat me as a child. "Children are meant to be seen and not heard." People who have this attitude are the people who will create the downfall of our country. So go out there and get all your friends together. How you make the change is up to you. To top things off, we don't need a senator for presidnet. We need a governor. Why a governor? Governors are in control of their state from top to bottom. They know ALL that goes on in their state. Senators are lazy ass politicians who get to skip 2/3 of their gatherings where they are supposed to show their opinion, but instead of showing up and voting yes or no, they simply don't show up. What dedication. I know I mentioned a lot here...Maybe not the best grammar or spelling, and maybe not in order...Who cares. I'm merely getting across a point that our country needs some major surgery before I or many of you should ever call it the best. So whether you agree with me or not, I do believe the United States CAN BE the best country in the world and I would love to see it so, but I don't believe it is the best at this point in time. For those who think I'm anti-american and anti-military, here's what I have to say...FUCK YOU. I'm neither of the above. I served 2 years with Army ROTC when I had to leave due to a leg injury. Had it not been for my leg injury, I would have most likely stayed and gone into the army. Also, I am a member of my local Rock the Vote organization. I try to get people off their unencouraged asses and get them to vote and participate in community affairs. I'm also involved in an Environmental organization to promote the awareness of nature and try to find alternate means of production, obsevation or marine biology, and conservation of fuel. As for my professional life, I am a Management Information Systems major and plan on working on computers in a business setting hopefully being able to optimize businesses through technology while also cutting down on waste (both physical, eg: paper waste, and mental, eg: slackers). There is one thing I forgot to mention...It's our degrading education system. Some think we have one of the greatest educational systems, but if you look at what Europeans and Asians know at age 13 far surpasses what we know at age 18. Even our newspapers are rated at a 6th grade reading level. Don't you think there's something wrong with that??? That's my rant for the day. Many of you know my current situation so I won't even go into that at this time. Cya! Emotional Output:  annoyed
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So as many of you know, things don't fare well in the Pika House. For the 5th time in 2 years I've been kicked out of my house. Heck, this is the 2nd time in 2 weeks that I've been kicked out. I was kicked out 2 days before the hurricane. When they found out the hurricane was coming, they wanted me to come home. I did. I would have to say 2/3 of the stuff done before and after the hurricane would not have been done if I was not there. Now that most of everything that could be done is done, my evil whitch of a mother decided to start up a bunch of arguments with me. Why? Many ppl ask...It's cause she's bored with her plain simple life, probably miserable and as most ppl know, MISERY LOVES COMPANY. She does all she can to make everyone miserable. Then she plays it off like everyone else started the problems. So anyways, I'm at my girlfriends house now...She only has dialup, so it takes eons to look through the forums. I think I been on here an hour already to catchup since midday yesterday. On a lighter note, I didn't have any classes this week due to Frances...Right now we're on a TBA status which means we won't know until Monday when campus will reopen. So anyways, if anyone wants to talk to me, since I can't use vent and forums take me eons to go through, feel free to drop me a line... Cya! Emotional Output: distressed
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So, Summer's over. Lots has happened and I will tell all in a post later this week, but I must now bitch about todays occurrences. So my dad flew in from NY today. I was somewhat happy to see him. Not a half hour goes by and 2 ppl show up and they talk and suddenly all my furniture from my bedroom is on its way out the door. A message??? Obviously it will get replaced, but THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT! I now lost my king size rock hard bed for a queen size not as rock hard bed. I'd rather have kept the bigger bed. I asked for a new matress NOT A WHOLE FUCKING BED! AND DEFINATELY NOT A SMALLER ONE! My night stands went too...Now where do I put my clock? My candles? My phone? Anything else??? No new ones are expected. My TV cabinet is gone...It will be replaced with a small dresser. So, where do I put my DVD player, VCR, N64, PC Vid transmitter, and stereo? How about all my DVDs and VHS tapes? I refused to help them remove my old stuff from the room. Why? Because A) IT MATCHED EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE ROOM! B) I LIKED IT C) EVERYTHING FIT WELL D) IT LOOKED LIVED IN Yes, I added the last part. I already know what I'm getting and my room will look sterile. Kind of like a Doctor's or Dentists Office. I don't live in a home. Never have. I live in a house. A house without warmth. A house with nothing but tensions. I get the point though. I have a little over a year left to stay in this house and they can't wait to get rid of me. I must be a really huge burden taking 15 credits and working 3 nights a week. I hate sterile environments. I'll probably die in one (likely a hospital) so I don't want to live in one all the time. I want a want family. Money isn't the answer. Money is great, but it's the personality behind the money that makes it good or bad. My family has pretty much gone to hell without any chance of putting it back together. The only thing I can do is not let history repeat itself and remember that when I get married and have a child or children, to be warm and loving to them. To care how they feel even if I don't agree. To give them a chance to be who they are and not try and mold them into who they aren't. I would never put my family in a position to lose, but every time I want to get ahead, that's just what happens. I'm put in a situation where I'm setup to lose and there's nothing I can do about it. I still try and will always try. Even if I die trying I won't give up fighting for me. I AM ME. I WILL NOT CHANGE FROM BEING ME. So now I leave. I hear my folks fighting again. So I will probably leave and spend the night at Izzy's. Till next time. Emotional Output: pissed off
Boombox Presents: None...
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Ok, so my folks left town on July 4th. Since then, I've been working on a project that should blow their minds...and hopefully earn a little respect from them. So, here's what happened witht he project: 1st) Emptied my office and office closet COMPLETELY! I took so much out of my office and closet that it filled up the laundry room, kitchen, guest bedroom, and part of the living room! If you saw my house, you would know these are all large rooms!!!!!!!! My closet was so packed with stuff, I couldn't open the door to get to anything. I had to fish stuff out bit by bit until the closet was empty. 2nd) I ran out to Home Depot. I got a carpet cleaner, some shampoo, Krud Kutter, and Goof Off :P. The Goof Off took the adhesives off my carpet. Took some rubbin and scrubbin, but it finally came out! The Krud Kutter took out most of the regular stains. The carpet cleaner took out all of the dirt, dust, and probably mold. Since all this, I've been much happier both mentally and physically. 3rd) Begin rehabitation of office. So ofcourse, my computer was the first thing moved in :). Then I filled up my cabinets and kept my drawers empty for the most part. I also brought stuff into the closet. 4th) Ebay. What a wonderful thing! Wish they didn't charge so much for the listings though. Anything I didn't bring back into my office either went in the trash or on Ebay. If you want to see some of the stuff I have listed, goto www.ebay.com, click search, by seller, and type in InuYashaLRX for the seller id or Seller name. 5th) 12 trashbags later...Everything has been cleaned out of the house except the mess in the laundry room. That's my procrastination project. 6th) Bedroom sweep. I took everything out of my bedroom and cleaned the carpets here too! I also slightly rearranged the furniture and scrapped my old Super Nintendo for a Nintendo 64. FUN FUN FUN! 7) Bathroom facelift! I purchased 10 new handles for the drawers and cabinets. Cleaned the surface of the counter. Got a caddy for my shower. I also used that no skid stuff in the drawers so everything doesn't slide around when I open and close them. 8) Kitchen's Ahoy! Tonight I cleaned out the pantry in the kitchen. Tomorrow I will likely clean out the fridge and anally organize it to just the way I like it. When my folks get back, I know it won't stay neat, but I can enjoy it for the next few weeks they're gone. 9) once I'm done with the kitchen, I will seriously get the laundry room done. It's a pain in the ass doing laundry with so much crap in the way. Ohwell. With all this going on, I've also been taking a Calculus class. Thursday is a final exam, so I may put the remainder of projects off until after that. An addditional note, I formed a Counter-Strike : Condition Zero clan not too long ago. It's called eXtreme Assault Team .:XAT:. and I have a public, private, and ventrilo server. If you wish to talk to me over the computer, the place to find me is in the ventrilo server. Don't have ventrilo? Goto http://www.ventrilo.com/ It's a few second download. Once installed, visit http://xat.winwel.com and click the ventrilo uplink. That will automatically connect you to my server! Well, I'm out for now. Nite! Emotional Output:  working
Boombox Presents: Ayumi Hamasaki - Ayu Trance 2 - 05 - Dearest (Rank 1 Remix)
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There it goes... Dad and I both passed our motorcycle physical skills exam today!!! It was difficult, challenging, yet accomplishable. Now that dad has his bike of choice, we're thinking of buying another bike for me. Back in the day, when I didn't think I'd be able to pass my cycle exam, I fell in love with the V-ROD and Road King. Now that my license is achieved, I am looking at a Sportster which is a lot less expansive than either of the above mentioned and is also somewhat smaller and more comfortable. The biggest issue I have with any bike is positioning of the pegs. Being as I have very long legs, I need pegs that are farther forward than standard bikes. We'll see what happens. The biggest challenge we have right now is who to go through for insurance. Most of this should be cleared up in about a week and a half. BTW, the Sportster I saw and liked was around $8,500 which is pocket change compared to most harleys averaging around $22,000 USED! One good thing about Harleys is that they hold their value almost completely!!! Anyway, enough ranting and raving...I'm excited and exhausted. I have a presentation to give tomorrow and will probably get up @ 7am to practice for it cause I'm going to sleep very soon. -outtie Emotional Output: exhausted
Boombox Presents: Solar Twins - Living Your Dream
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Ok, so we had class on Thursday night...studied most of Friday, and it payed off. We had 5 hours of ride time today learning the basics of maneuverability on a motorcycle. I was very comfortable riding the motorcycle, but it too a while to build up the confidence to do it right. We also had the written portion of the exam today. both my father and I earned a perfect 100% on the exam. The more difficult part of the exam is tomorrow. After further, more extensive practicing, we will have our riding exam. I'm a little nervous, but just like I was nervous about hopping on the bikes today, I'm sure that fear will disappear as soon as I have to do the exam. most of it is easy, but there are 2 parts that look extremely difficult. Here's how the riding exam works: Points are a bad thing. You get 5 points for every mistake you make. If you score higher than 20 points during the entire exam, you fail. so basically you can make no more than 4 mistakes. We'll see.... So, I'm looking at some bikes. I'm interested in having either a Road King or V-ROD. The V-ROD is much sportier and a little lighter, but the Road King has all the extras, weights a bit more, and is likely to be more stable. We'll see.....maybe I'll end up with a versper after I get certified...lol. So, now I call it a night. I'm exhausted...gotta be up at 5:20 tomorrow which is actually 4:20 cause of the time change. I will be so tired... Wish me luck...I may need it. Emotional Output: accomplished
Boombox Presents: Solar Twins - Earthbound
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pikademon's journal
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